Being the Person We Were Always Meant to Be

The answers we are looking for in life are within us. Take for example a tree shading us from the sun. The tree originally came from a seed within the seed it knew how to grow into a shade tree. The seed did need essential ingredients, sun light and water to keep growing. With the essential ingredients the seed matured and grew into a shade tree.  Similarly, if people keep growing and learning answers come to us, consequently,  we mature and grow into the person we are meant to be.  The danger comes when we stop growing and learning. Really counselling is all about getting back on track in order for us to continue maturing and growing again. Somehow we unlearn what we knew at birth. For example, children are born as spiritual beings, the younger they are the more spiritual they are. Children, don’t hold grudges they forgive naturally, they live perfectly in the moment. They are not afraid to be themselves or look foolish in front of others. Somehow as adults we get derailed and somehow we go off track. Some of the reasons we can stop growing can be excessive anger, addiction, trauma, depression or anxiety. We can shut down, we stop trusting others, and we can end up in isolation and depression. The reality in most cases is we need to re-learn what we already knew at birth and as a child.


Similarly, coming into our first individual session or group session can be extremely, frightening. Most people bring in an extensive history into a group or individual session. Group or individual counselling can re-generate old fears in themselves. People come for help which can lead to some possible reactions such as having difficulty talking about their reactions and feelings towards people who have harmed them or what they have done to others. In the mind of the client, even minor slights evoke past experiences of callous neglect, or deliberate cruelty. These distortions are not easily corrected by experience, since in a lot of cases the person tends to lack the verbal or social skills for resolving this conflict. For example, who has not been singled out in a classroom by a teacher to answer a question they didn’t know. Group therapy can be even more fearful. Being vulnerable in front of a group of people and just fear of people can just add more fear to getting help. However, in order to get back on track in life we need to go against our fears and insecurities and allow others to help us.

The derailments of fear and putting up walls stops growth, consequently, we can start thinking of ourselves as a victim. Nothing will hold you back more in life than this single thought. I am a victim. The idea of victimization is a sure sign of self imposed limitations and a very limited perception in life in general. However, in some extreme cases some people have been victimized. Regardless, once a person heals from their pain there is no real victimization.

It is essential for people to remember that we are social beings who need to have strong relations with people in order to be healthy and continue growing. Just as the tree needs water and sunlight to grow, we need to allow other people in our lives in order for us to be healthy and keep developing and evolving. Our hurts and pain must be dealt with in order for us to be back on track in life. In the case of people who struggle with trauma, addiction, extreme anger, depression or anxiety, we have to go against our fears our insecurities in order, to start growing again. Seeking help for our problems just puts us back on track in order to progress, accomplish and be the person we were always meant to be.














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Believe in Yourself

This is a worthwhile video to watch. A very important thing Glen says is that it is critical to believe in yourself, in order to succeed regardless, if we have the education. Knocking down are self imposed limitatations can only be over come by first working on defects of character. This sets the ground work to be inspired and empowered to reach our potential in life. This is a true story in my life. The people that have known me over the years, know were I started from. The journey has been well worth the effort.





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Counselling Joke

"What would happen if I cut off your left ear?" a therapist asked a client.

"I would not be able to hear", the client replied.

And if I cut off your right ear?", said the therapist.

"I would not be able to see", replied the client.

Astonished, the therapsit asked, "Why?"

"Because my glasses would fall off."

Have a great weekend evryone!










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Belief System

.    A belief system provides a core set of values on which we base everything we do, say, or believe in life.  Everybody interprets events in life differently, what’s traumatic to one person doesn’t necessarily mean it would traumatize everybody.   Regardless, belief systems can be empowering or disabling.  They can be built on optimism or pessimism.  Our beliefs determine what we think, what we are capable of, or not capable of.  What our parents taught us as children, or perhaps a traumatic event, or a breach of trust, can sometimes influence our belief system.  For example, we have been raised in a family were there was a lot of negativity, consequently, we end up internalizing shame, guilt, and low self worth.  These dysfunctional beliefs are the core of our belief system.  Regardless, we create our own belief system based on the conclusions we draw from the understanding of events in our lives and the results they produce.    In any case, changing our belief systems can be difficult since it is so ingrained in us.  The most important thing to remember about a belief system is a belief system fails us from time to time especially since we are always changing and growing.   It can be like clothes that grow old and wear out sometimes we need a change.  Depression, fear, isolation, anxiety, panic, and addiction, are some indicators that a fresh start in life is needed.  Perhaps it’s time to seek some help in order to live my life to it’s fullest.     

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Abstinence versus Recovery

Abstinence from alcohol or drugs is important in order to get better from addiction; however, it is not solely responsible for people staying sober. Staying abstinent alone usually ends up with people feeling, feelings like shame, guilt, boredom or even rage in isolation. They experience these feelings all alone with no one to help them to learn to cope or no way to vent their frustration. The person thinks about all of this which leads to “If this is how it feels to be sober then the hell with it, I would rather get drunk or at least use something to get some relief from these feelings”. I’ve talked to many people in recovery over the years. When you ask people how long they have been sober the answer always points in the same direction. The people who are active in recovery and are actively participating in a 12 step group or other recovery program, they are the ones who stay sober and enjoy a higher quality of life, as a result of not using again. When a person relapses from addiction it’s usually something he hasn’t been doing while he was abstinent or wasn’t doing while they were in recovery. For example, they didn’t talk during the meetings, didn’t get a sponsor, stopped going to meetings or didn’t have a home group. The important thing to remember when deciding to get sober is simply “I have to do what others have done in recovery in order for me to put this disease in remission and have a good quality of life. Recovery is simple, however, for the person struggling with addiction things get very complicated





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The Need for Universal Healthcare

Last Aug of 2010, I filled out a medical form with my doctor in order to be approved through my wife’s health care plan.  Consequently, I was refused the medical insurance by the health care provider since I have type II diabetes, regardless of the fact that my health is good and I am in complete compliance with my family doctor.  This reminds me so much of the healthcare system in the US.  The managed health care system in the United States is a system of health care delivery which aims to control costs by assigning set fees for services and monitoring the need for procedures such as tests and stressing preventive care.  I found my rejection by this health care provider to be disgraceful and against basic human rights.  Personally, what I’ve experienced working and doing my internships in the United States is that managed health care is mainly motivated by economics rather than considering the needs and rights of each individual patient.   What is being seen are these multi billion dollar companies simply trying to maximize profits at the expense of people’s lives.  However, there is a happy ending to this story.  I asked my wife to contact her union representative in regards to this healthcare provider decision to not allow me onto her work’s health care package.  He was able to overturn the decision and, I am now covered by my wife’s health care plan and I will be re-paid all the money I had to pay retroactively for one year.  Without the help of my wife’s union representative I would not have the extra health insurance that I am entitled to.  I was just notified a couple of days ago of this decision.     

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Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy is a dynamic process that provides great explanations to understanding and changing human behavior. Personality development begins during the first years of life. This means that children who are born into warm and empathic environments comprised of healthy caregivers, will in most cases, grow into healthy adults. If this nurturing doesn’t exist in one’s early environment, personality disorders can develop.




Psychotherapy offers a therapist and their client an alternative understanding of defense and resistance as these arise in therapy. It explains some of the derailments in personality development. These derailments usually occur because of trauma, parental neglect or abuse. Consequently, some individuals cling to self defeating or self destructive thoughts and behavior even though they are engaged in treatment for these difficulties.



Over the course of the therapeutic endeavor, there are many types of defenses that people often use to protect past hurts or pain. This resistance to feeling the pain or hurt it can be attributed to: fear of rejection; fear of coming into contact with trauma or pain itself; or fear of exposing the humiliation of a past event.



Digging deeply enough to come into contact with one’s past hurts is an extremely difficult process. The client and therapist must break the walls or defenses down in order to get at the pain. In order to do this, the therapist must provide a safe environment and facilitate the development of trust. This feeling of safety and trust is absolutely necessary in order for the client to be able to overcome the resistance to feeling or dealing with the trauma or pain. It is also important for the therapist to explain and help the client understand the benefits of acknowledging and growing through their past hurts. It is kind of like telling your client to stick their finger in the fire, and though it may hurt at first, the pain will eventually go away and you’ll feel better than ever.



Psychotherapy allows people to deal wit the past in order to change the present. Many people have had to survive through traumatic or painful times in their lives and could not allow themselves to feel the pain at the time, or didn’t know how to deal with the pain or trauma on their own. These unhealed trauma’s can have a dramatic impact on this person’s adult life. The walls or barriers these people have erected in order to survive in the past, no longer serve the same purpose and are actually harmful to their present situation. In treating such cases, psychotherapy can be invaluable.



In most cases, these defenses were formed during childhood. Consequently, we stopped maturing and learning new ways to cope with situations. In a lot of cases these defense mechanisms held people at a distance. There were breaches of trust in childhood, consequently many people stop trusting all others and began to view people as inherently out to harm them. How can these traumatized people have intimacy or close relations with their wives, husbands or children? The truth is, without help, they can’t. Psychotherapy allows the therapist and the individual to be able to deal with the past in order to re-gain a feeling of safety and self esteem. Once a person’s self esteem and ability to trust is restored, they are then able to begin establishing healthy relationships and work towards reaching their goals in life. This restoration process is the reason psychotherapy is needed.



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Couple's Communication

Communication amongst couples is commonly poor when a climate of fear and mistrust is perpetuated through criticism, placating, blame, and scapegoating. In these circumstances the communication can become highly reactive, attacking, and critical. This leads over time to withdrawal, loss of hope, and marital dissolution. My main approach to counseling couples is to help improve communication and identify issues and resolve problems that hinder open honest communication.




Sometimes simply changing the form of communication from "you" to "I" messages, couples can drastically improve their communication. Couples who are used to blaming, frequently begin messages with or include the word you in their messages. The word you is an accusation and can put the receiver on the defensive. To counter attack, the receiver typically responds by also blaming in return. Beginning sentences with "I" forces the sender to not only send a clearer message but also to disclose something of his or her own thoughts and feelings. The importance of this for counseling couples is knowing that the emotional health of children is profoundly affected by the emotional relationship between the parents.






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Welcome to my New Blog

Thank you for coming onto my new blog.  If you are interested in joining the link is posted as http://blog.robertgoulard.com/ This blog represents a move forward.  It's a progression, I sincerely wish you would join me in. The blog site is  a lot more confidential and personnal.  I will keep up up to date on this site as well as post informative articles that will enhance you personnal growth. I sincerely believe that your paricipation will aid you in your personnal develpoment.  It also gives me an opportunitiy to express the gratitude I have for having people like you iin my life. 

Sincerely

Robert Goulard Counselling Service





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Relationships

The most important thing in relationships is getting a fresh start a new beginning, perhaps falling in love again. In order to start over again, we need to start listening from a free flowing state of mind, not influenced by our belief system that judges and anticipates what to say next, or prejudges our partner. This type of listening allows us to be affected by the person’s feelings rather than their words. Listening and responding from the heart with compassion doesn’t allow us to be distracted by thoughts or memories that could be triggered by the conversation. The opposite of compassionate is analyzing our partner. Typically people analyze and blame to get their way. When couples communicate this way for any length of time we unknowing create a destructive cycle. The argument starts and each person almost knows what the other person will say before they say it. This communication causes a lot of frustration, anger and resentment. In reality the communication is all about right and wrong and leaves no room for compassion or respect. Listening and responding in the moment means speaking from the heart. Not thinking and analyzing. This truly creates an experience to a deeper level of communicating and feeling towards yourself and your partner. Heart to heart communication allows another level of wisdom to come into light. The only way to experience this is by actually practicing heart to heart communication with your partner, over and over until you actually experience the change. Ultimately, building on respect and developing compassion, creates a foundation which could ultimately lead to falling in love with your partner again.

Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Many people suffer from fear, anxiety and panic attacks. This problem originates from the flight and fright response but, in a person suffering from panic attacks the flight or fright response doesn’t turn off so the person is constantly in fear. Consequently, the central nervous system gets worn down, usually classified as a form of nervous breakdown. Primitive emotions associated with the flight or fright response are brought on as a result of perceived danger. It’s when this mechanism doesn’t turn off the adrenaline from the flight or fight response in the central nervous system, that anxiety and panic attacks are set off. This is where the panic attack and fear originates.


This destructive cycle of fear, anxiety and panic attacks moves in a globular circle with one triggering the other. Often, the person suffering from personality issues identifies anxiety as the major source of their distress. It appears that most people find it easier to admit to feeling anxious as opposed to being angry, controlling or traumatized. Fear, anxiety and panic attacks have deeper psychological roots, often not easily resolved. Consequently, entire lives are controlled by fear and anxiety. Taking mental breaks from anxiety and stress is critical. Sometimes everything that is important seems to demand immediate attention. In addition, at the first sign of anything going wrong, we instinctively react with fear. This is the first step leading to anxiety, burnout and panic attacks. Feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, and desperation just add more fuel to the fear and anxiety. At these times, we need to remember that we can only do one thing at a time. The truth is that the only thing that is actually real is what is in front of us in this one moment. Another important thing to remember about anxiety is how to consciously take a break from it. Be aware of the things you can do that will lessen the perceived anxiety. This will give your body a much needed break. Helpful reminders can defuse the fear and ensure that you live life to its fullest every day. It takes constant discipline and perseverance to overcome our defects of character.

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Staying in the Moment

The road of life has many detours. There is no doubt that our thoughts and emotions if not kept in check can affect our quality of life on a daily basis. It’s when we get locked onto one emotion especially a negative emotion that we get detoured from enjoying our life today. It’s important to view taking on are defects of character as a challenge and not as a threat or a personal attack to our self worth as a person. Having issues that affecting our everyday life that control us day to day can actually ruin our quality of life on a daily basis. Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself myself. Are things really as hard as I’m making them out to be? Is there more attached to this problem than their really needs to be? Am I just causing myself to be really upset? Is this the time and place to deal with this upsetting issue? Perhaps what has happened in your life was meant to be. The event happened for a reason and was meant to teach us something or perhaps it can’t really be explained. However, it happened for a reason. This would lead you to have no choice but to accept it and forget it for now. Recognize what is in your life right now in the moment. See this as reality be present and perhaps in the moment answers start coming to you. Stress worry and anxiety simply come from thinking negative things about the future. This fear and insecurity comes from thinking about things we don't want to happen to us. If we intensely focus on the moment we will find peace and freedom. In order to over come our defects of character and get to a higher level of spiritual awareness with other people it takes a lot of hard work. However, as a result of our discipline and effort stress worry and anxiety become short lived and no longer control our lives. Working on staying in the moment takes a lot of discipline however, the peace and freedom you get from it make the effort and hard work worth it.
If you really discipline to work on this a change process takes place in time. We can develop into a more relaxed and calm person. Consequently, we empower ourselves to change.

Breaches of Trust

Our emotional state can be affected by fear and deep-seated anger. It can be really difficult to get to the root cause of the hurt that caused the anger and resentment in the first place. It’s easy to blame other people, however, in a lot of cases the truth is just the opposite and the resentment is usually directed toward ourselves. I trusted someone who betrayed me. I didn’t see this coming is an example. This whole scenario creates a destructive cycle that is very hard to break.


When breaches of trust with other people happen, we can mistakenly think that we can’t trust anyone. Consequently, we become unapproachable and we can come across as cold towards other people. However, the real truth is we can’t distinguish between the people we can trust and the people we can’t trust. The un-resolved hurt and pain is actually a barrier between you and people. In a lot of cases people who have been hurt ,are confused as to why they treat people the way they do. The real damage is our close relationships with the people we love are effected. It’s the hurt, breaches of trust and trauma that prevent us from having close relationships with them. This information is important to know since sharing being honest about ourselves and making attempts to trust others again will in time heal us from our hurt and pain. Dealing with the pain is extremely hard but worthwhile in the long term. Life is fair in one sense, we can all be happy in life if we have the ability to allow people to be close to us. Breaches of trust, pain and hurt can prevent and be a barrier to a happy in life.

Addiction's Effect on Maturity Level

Addiction throws a curve ball in regards to our moods and relationships. The emotional dimension of addiction can be regarded as a regression along the line of emotional development. The addict regresses from acting like an adolescent, to a child then an infant. The regression doesn’t happen overnight and just because a person stops drinking or using drugs doesn’t necessarily mean a return to adulthood. Typically a person’s maturity level stays frozen to the age a person first started using drugs or alcohol. This has to be understood in the terms of this person has a disease and is something this person can grow out of, if they treat themselves for their addiction. This is done by setting clear limits on behavior and compliance by a treatment program or a trained professional.

Moods

Moods are real important aspect to our relationships. Our moods reflect the quality of our moment to moment thinking. Different moods in a relationship can be the reason that one moment we are treating our partner as the most precious thing then the next moment we can’t figure out why we ever got involved with them. It’s really important to be in tune with our moods since we can indicate to our partner that right now, is not the time to talk to me, or I need to keep my mouth shut right now. When we are in a bad mood our thinking is distorted and we can tend to take things out on others who don’t deserve to be mistreated. The key to this is learning to stay in the moment and to slow down in order to be in tune with our moods. When a storm is brewing in us, we can warn others and take steps to prevent an unnecessary conflict with our partner or other loved one’s.

Spiritual Awakening

Is a spiritual awakening necessary in order to turn our lives around? The word “spiritual” suggests itself the dimension of human life that cannot be perceived through the senses and that gives unique meaning to each individual life. In the beginning I was very skeptical about this subject of spirituality, however, in time I seen the great benefits of spirituality by allowing other people into my life. This was probably due to me not understanding what spirituality was all about. I used to rely on relationships, satisfaction with work, leisure time and making money as my source of happiness, however, they are all subject to change. In time these things stopped making me happy and caused a lot of frustration and disappointment in my life. In my case a spiritual awakening was essential to finding a purpose and a meaning to the pain that I experienced in my life. The pain and frustration in my life led me to seek help from other people; as a result I experienced a spiritual awakening in my life. Life does have meaning!

 

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The Present Moment

"For the present is the point at which time touches eternity". C.S. Lewis
In reality we rarely ever live in the present moment. Instead we day dream about the future or ponder on the past. However, if we really think about it, their probably was a time in our lives that we felt immencly alive in the moment. I can think of a few times this happened in my life. One time I remember, was when I was talking to a person who was explaining to me all the misfortunes, they had during their life. For some reason his story had a profound effect on me. I really got emotional and felt for him. I felt his pain, and his sorrow. I knew this was turning point in my life. The day each of my children were born, a wave of emotion hit me tears streamed down my face. It was at the precise moment they were born. Words can't desciibe these expereinces. Shocking revelations can happen in the present moment.

Automatism

Automatism: The state or quality of being automatic: the power of self moving: automatic, mechanical, or involuntary action. Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary
Mental processes recede from consciousness over time with repeated use…. (And) become automated, but because we did not start out intending to make them that way…. We aren’t aware of it. J.A. Bargh and T.L.Chartrand (1990).
Automatism: a condition in which an individual is consciously or unconsciously, compelled to the performance of certain acts, often purposeless and sometimes foolish or harmful. Stedman’s Medical Dictionary 21st.ed (1966).
Take bicycle riding or swimming for example, we learn how to do them and they become automatisms. These two examples are either foolish or harmful, however, relapsing from alcoholism or drug addiction is extremely harmful. When we learned how to swim it took effort and persistance. However, once we learned to swim, it became effortless and irreversible. Now if it ever became really important for us not to swim again we could say “I’ll just stay in shallow water”. The problem with this is if the water rises and the person’s feet leave the bottom they will automatically be swimming again. The best resolve would be to stay out of the water altogether. Similarly, alcoholic’s or drug addicts must abstain from alcohol or drugs. When recovering alcoholics or addicts start making up excuses as to why they are drinking again “I just have a few drinks to unwind or “I don’t drink any more than anyone else does’ etc. They are standing in shallow water and the water is rising. When an alcoholic or drug addicts starts using again, it’s only a matter of time before the automatism takes over again. A full relapse is coming. An acquired automatism is a good way to explain a relapse from addiction.

Relapse

Relapse with alcoholics or addicts can be hard to understand at times. In an addict or an alcoholic, the fear associated with thinking about potential disaster is up against an inner voice in us that tries to reason with us. According to AA this aspect is the “cunning and baffling aspect of addiction”. This is when an addict starts convincing himself that what happened in the past could not possible happen again, despite all the early signs being their. Negative sarcastic attitude, self pity, selfishness and in some cases mistakenly thinking you can substitute one drug with another. An endless cycle of needless suffering is in the beginning stages. A profound moment of clarity occurs to many successful people in recovery. “I am heading the wrong way’. Then secondly, “I am to blame for the wreckage of my life”. I am responsible for all the damage in my life nobody told me to do things I have done to myself and other innocent people in my life. I have to surrender and re-learn, in order to do what other alcoholics, or addicts have in the past, consequently, to live a happy and productive life.

Having the courage to take action

“If we’re growing, we’re always going to be out of our comfort zone.” – John Maxwell
Some people mistakenly think that change, will happen easily and without effort or sacrifice. However, the opposite is true. When someone says I was really afraid to do something but I somehow mustered up the strength to do it anyways, is an extremely good indicator. This indicates that change is happening in this person’s life. The opposite is knowing what to do but never doing anything about our problems. Inactivity breeds depression, anxiety and self pity. Taking action in our life empowers us and enhances our self worth. The courage to step into the unknown to learn and experience new things in life is the key to change, and essential to reaching our full potential in life.