Addiction, Traumatic Re-enactment & The Effect on Personnel and Family Values

In my private practice I have constantly reminded my clients, that when we successfully deal with our past we can change the present. For example, in therapy people often start to identify maladaptive patterns’ in their behavior with others and in their life in general. They can start identifying the fact that they are re-enacting how they dealt with people as a child or a teenager in the present tense. In fact, the traumatic experience that drives the repetition of past traumatic events is called traumatic re-enactment. This re-enactment can be an unconscious attempt to process and facilitate an adaptive process, in order to facilitate the successful resolution of earlier trauma ( Levine, 1997 ).

As a therapist I have to remind the person that this is mainly due to ‘If you are never shown anything different how do you know there are better ways of handling your life”? Traumatized adults or parents often re-enact a traumatic events that in some ways represent their unconsciousness efforts to resolve the original trauma (Levine, 1997). Once we are traumatized it is almost certain that we will continue to repeat or re-enact parts of the experience in some way over and over again. As a result, traumatic re-enactment has profound effect on our family values and can actually generate a legacy of fear, separation and prejudice in the family unit.

Traumatized people must let go of all kinds of beliefs and preconceptions in order to complete a journey back to health. Sometimes it’s important to recognize the fact that we have been abused and mistreated as children. This problem originated from not having had proper guidance, and physical emotional abuse. These problems actually originated with trauma and traumatic re-enactment. The result of this can be a child could never have learned any language as to how to calm down when they are highly agitated. Sometimes when a lot of neglect is involved with children, the parents or guardians simply have never taught them how to calm down. They simply were never comforted sufficiently. This creates a deficit in the child and later on, in the adult also.  This deficit can result with adult survivors of abuse, turning to drugs or alcohol in order to calm down. In my clinical experience, along with my qualitative research , indicates that addiction root in some cases can be the direct result of traumatic re-enactment.

Thanks for being part of this journey with me!
















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Embracing Dysfunctional Family Values

Embracing Dysfunctional Family Values


A Possible Explanation

Part 1

There are multiple entries and reason’s why dysfunctional family values can be handed down from generation to generation. In my private practice time and time again the client and I recognize the same generational problems in the person’s family history. The repeat is usually evident with both parents and can be traced back to grand parents and even great grand parents. How is this possible?

Many of us have vowed to never be like our parents yet one day we wake up and realize we are just like them. In some cases a person recognizes that they are from a dysfunctional family, other times they don’t, since this is all they know. The parents may have been addicts, or there is an obvious history of mental illness in the family, also a person might have experienced emotionally and physically abuse as a child. It can be especially confusing for people, to grow up to be just like there parents, or to be even more abusive than they were. There is an explanation.

Think about prostitutes and people in the pornography industry, who have been sexually molested as children. These children were victims of their environment. They had no choice and no control over the situation they were in at home, at the time. In a lot of cases they had to live with there abusers. This is due, to the person being abused by a parent or relative.

The same children that were previously abused are now embracing the same aspects of their abuse, by becoming a prostitute or getting involved with the pornography industry. The only difference is that now they have the power and control over their situation. This is an adjustment that allows a victim to literally identify with the aggressor. This same adjustment can explain why a person ends up following and embracing dysfunctional family values, for a host of other dysfunctional aspects in a person’s life.

There will be a further explanation in part 2 of this topi



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Robert's Blog: Merry Christmas from Robert Goulard Counselling Se...

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Robert's Blog: The Adverse Effects of Addiction

Robert's Blog: The Adverse Effects of Addiction: Expecting people to act according to how I perceive my own intentions towards others and not by what I’m actually doing can cause real devas...

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Robert's Blog: Pain the Great Motivator

Robert's Blog: Pain the Great Motivator: Intense pain can be a real motivating factor in the change process. Extreme emotional distress can force us from being unsure if we want to ...

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Robert's Blog: Accountability and Trust

Robert's Blog: Accountability and Trust: If you truly want to turn your life around, find a competent person who you can trust and ask them for help! Robert Goulard , Executive D...

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Values, Electronics and Our Children

If we look back in history relatively recent history Canadian and American life styles have changed dramatically, from being agricultural, family centered and being an isolated nation to being an urban multinational, postindustrial member of the global economy. The inclusion of values in children has mainly been turned over to our educational system. This system is ill equipped to handle children’s morals and values. Furthermore, it  was never designed to handle such a task. Morals and values are meant to be taught and demonstrated to children at home.

To make things even worst is the inclusion of television, and electronic gadgets into our homes. TV and internet stimulated children become young adults who turn without hesitation, into children that use these electronics as ways to escape from loneliness, boredom and fear. In reality they need to develop the ability rely on other people for support. Not electronic gadgets. To go even deeper is the fact that young people need to experience frustration, pain and loneliness in order to mature and grow. Escaping and avoiding issues through electronics should not be an option.

Without effective guidance based on traditional and spiritual values, young people have no other alternative but to turn to drugs, overeating, gambling, drama filled relationships, compulsive work, or shopping sprees. These behaviors are the result of a lot of frustration, anger, and emptiness, mainly due to a lack of fulfillment in life. No attempt to avoid suffering works in the long run. In the end the repetition dulls the senses.

As parents and as responsible adults we need to get back to our grass roots and start teaching and being role models to our future generations. Family rituals are important to family cohesion. For example, simple things like having sit down meals together and recreational activities together can help promote cohesiveness in families. In addition when ever possible give our children our undivided attention. Good family rules also promote, guide and protect our children. They signify the parents love, and concern a parent has for their children. Raising children is not an easy task; however, a child’s basis need is love and not material possessions.




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Our Emotional Comfort Zone

Our emotional comfort zone works the same way our thermostat in our house works. When the temperature in the room approaches the edge of the thermal range the thermostat sends an electrical signal to the furnace to turn on or off. The thermostat then turns on or off to keep the changes in the desired range.

This is similarity to our psychological thermostat which regulates our level of performance in the world. However, the difference is instead of a thermostat, our regulator is the level of discomfort we feel that will keep us within our comfort zone. When we try and change our life and our behavior begins to approach the edge of the zone, we start to feel uncomfortable. If what you start experiencing is outside the self image you subconsciously have of yourself, your body sends a signal to pull yourself back into your comfort zone. The real message in all of this is a person who is trying to achieve success without ever experiencing rejection or pain will never make it in the long term.

We don’t have to be the most gifted or talented person in the field, but we have to believe that if we don’t give up anything is possible, if we truly believe in ourselves. Finding out what you’re really good at and then just blocking everything else out will get you to where you want to be in life. Personally, I studied and worked very hard on myself and that’s how I got to where I am today. It might help you to know that the latest brain research now indicates that with enough positive self talk and combined with proper training, coaching and practice anyone can learn to do almost anything.

Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
Robert Allen
Co-authour, The One Minute Millionnaire

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Values and Respect

The only way we can live and feel happy in the long term is to live in accordance with our true values. If we don’t we are sure to experience true pain in life. I can relate to developing some real bad habits in my life that was very frustrating and had the potential to actually destroy my life. I’m talking about drug and alcohol addiction, however, the deeper psychological root was selfishness, self centeredness, and attempting to control and dominate others. Other excesses people can have are over eating, watching hour upon hour of television, or computer addiction.


What was really behind all this bad behavior? These behaviors are the result of a lot of frustration, anger, and emptiness, mainly due to a lack of fulfillment in life. Looking for a quick fix to try and distract myself from some pretty empty feelings. The pattern of drinking and doing drugs became a pattern that had to be broken; however, I had to get to what was behind this behavior. The pain of living the lifestyle I was living caused a big gap in my personal values and the way I actually lived my life, in my addiction. I accomplished absolutely nothing in years and had actually destroyed a lot of close relationships in my life.

When I did start dealing with my own personal issues, consequently, I eventually started to live by my highest standards in life, when we do this we eventually feel immense joy. Today, I no longer have a desire to drink, or put myself into a drug induced stupor. Life itself started becoming a huge challenge and today my life is rich. I have a wonderful family, a great career and a bright future. I look back on my life and see how I distracted myself from such incredible heights this is like taking a sedative on Christmas morning. When I compromise my values and stop respecting myself it’s like looking at my family tree and finding out I was the sap. I had to take first take responsibility for my past actions in order to turn my life around.  It took a lot of soul searching to turn my life around; however, this hard work has sure paid off.






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How to Beat the Bad Guys at Work

According to “Men’s Health Magazine, How to Win at Everything” , we need to be aware of some people at work. There is a lot of talk about openness on the job, however, there are a lot of reasons we need to keep our guard up at work. Most people are honest about 80 percent of the people. Another 15 percent are of questionable integrity. But what I’m talking about is the 5 percent who out and out dirtballs. These are the bad guys who are out to get you. For example, “spineless the rumor king”, these type of people will just make up rumors as they go along. Such as “is there any truth to the rumor that Jim from labor relations is in detox and is not really on a fishing trip in British Columbia. Human nature being what it is people within ear shot will hear this rumor and not remember the question mark. Consequently when the boss hears about this concern from three or four different people, he starts thinking less favorably about poor old Jim.

The solution to this is if you want to keep these Spineless people from starting rumors about you, you’re going to have to be highly alert. Chances are he’ll start a milder rumor in the beginning, for example telling people I hear your behind in meeting a particular deadline. This is the time you confront this person just like you would confront a play ground bully. Tell this person if you have a problem with me you better confront me directly. Let spineless know you have his number. Most spineless people are good at knowing when to run for cover. If confrontation doesn’t work get the best connected person in the company to spread a denial to the rumors.

The final resort with a lot of history behind it is just punching him. I would suspect this is very high risk, by the way. True, but isn’t taking risks what they’re paying you the big bucks for.


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Corporate Crime and the News Media

It’s funny how we can view the ‘typical criminal” a young, tough, lower – class male. This stereo typical image is incorrect. The rich are far more violent and are lot more dishonest than the poor. The real truth is criminal behavior committed by corporations is by far, more damaging to our society economically, environmentally, and socially, by far. For example every six hours a worker dies in the work place as a result of corporate crime. The media is so powerful it takes our attention away from the damage the corporate criminals have committed.


Giant corporations with their billions of dollars in assets have an enormous influence in the media and our political system. This built in institutional bias does more than merely protect the corporate system. It also robs the public of a chance to understand the real world. There exists hardly any in-depth reporting about what has caused the widening gap between rich and poor. Control of the media by large corporate monopolies leads to political domination of the main stream Canadian people.

Monopolistic power dominates many industries, and most of them enjoy special treatment by the government. But media giants have two enormous advantages. They control the public image of national leaders who, as a result, fear and favour the media magnate’s political agendas. This creates restrictions on political activity, union activity and public disclosure. They control the information that helps establish the social, political and cultural attitudes of increasingly larger populations. The news media in Canada does not tell the Canadian people that a political whip hangs over their head.




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Accountability and Trust

If you truly want to turn your life around, find a competent person who you can trust and ask them for help!


Robert Goulard , Executive Director of “Robert Goulard Counseling Service”.



Just kidding about the executive director, I forgot to mention I’m the only person working at Robert Goulard Counseling Service LOL. However, the truth is when I actually surrendered and asked another person for help, this dramatically changed my life.

The world has become a very complex place. Having good people to talk to and just being able to be yourself with another person is a very important aspect to any successful person. I look back on this decision to surrender and allow another person to help me with no regrets. From that point on my life dramatically changed for the better. I was now held accountable for my actions; the goals in my life were now attainable. The results were absolutely astounding.

It was this face to face encounter that was a turning point in my life. It seems like such a small thing to do however, it had deeper implications to me at that time in my life. The amount of false pride and ego in me always, prevented me from being honest with myself. This surrender was a mile stone in my life; I gave up trying to help myself alone. I let someone else in my life. It was a therapist, I could trust. However, in time I found a whole group of people that were willing to listen to me and also help me. The real point is once you’ve chosen your team members trust them. Today I am devoted to understanding and embracing the true value and meaning of trust.




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Breaking the Vicious Cycle of Destructiveness in Our Lives

Breaking the Vicious Cycle of Destructiveness in Our Lives


The sky is the limit when we work on our defects of character. When we purposely look at our defects and continuously strive for self-improvement, unconsciously we strike an important concept that is associated with the primeval wisdom that lies within our bodies. The echoes of a million midnight shrieks from monkeys whose last sight was of a panther, have left their traces in our nervous system. Staying in the moment and reflecting on ourselves will in time re-awaken an ancient wisdom which lies in each and every one of us. The question is, “how did we get off track in our lives and what can we do to turn our lives around?”

Over time we lost track of our true selves and developed maladaptive characteristic thoughts and behavior patterns. These cycles must be identified, and then disrupted in order for us to change and become the people we were meant to be. Maladaptive behavior patterns can establish themselves as inconsistencies in the way we experience our feelings. Ultimately, we create faulty ideas about life, such as, “I don’t need help from anybody”, or “I can do everything on my own”. These troubling beliefs become ingrained in us and may lead to questions such as, “I try so hard, so why don’t things work out for me?” Over time, we start to focus on the negatives and continue to repeatedly ask ourselves the same tired old questions, producing the same old unsuccessful answers. Like a moth drawn to a flame, we may unwittingly and repeatedly create situations and destructive cycles, from which escape becomes impossible. The reality is that we lack the proper tools and resources to break these cycles.

Inconsistencies are deeply established patterns we repeat over and over in our lives. These negative patterns will continue to cause failure until we become able to actually learn from them. Being prepared, by knowing what is coming at us , can prevent us from sliding back to where we started by empowering us to change. Recognizing our disabling habits and destructive cycles and having the power to break their patterns, is similar to exposing mould to the sunlight….it vanishes.

It is important to recognize when the corrective strategy isn’t succeeding in producing the change we seek---things just aren’t turning around. Consequently, if we don’t try another approach, our efforts will probably produce more pain, a further increase in frustration, depression and worst of all, learned helplessness, “I give up”. For example have you ever seen a fly try to get out of a closed window? It just keeps trying to get out by banging its head on the window even though it never gets out. What this shows us is that being highly motivated and persistent doesn’t necessarily mean we’ll achieve the goals you’re seeking in life.

The first step is to recognize that if we keep doing things exactly the same way as we have always done them, nothing will change. What if the fly became informed that by waiting until someone opened the door, it could fly to freedom? We also can learn about new ways of behaving and develop the ability to ask for help instead of banging our heads in vain.

People can continue to hang on to false notions about themselves even though they cause harm, because realistically these ideas and beliefs are all that they know. A dog can chase its tail for awhile, and then in exhaustion it gives up. This behavior does not produce any meaningful results in his life. Likewise, by wasting our energy, we end up producing extra pain and frustration in our lives with our wasted, meaningless actions, while our sought-after goals never materialize due to emotional, spiritual or physical fatigue.

Focusing our energy on a life-long dream can is the answer. It is essential to seek leverage in dismantling destructive thought patterns in our lives. Sticking a cliché into the cycle can be very important. Truly, “there are no failures in life”. If we don’t get the results we are looking for, we can still learn from the experience in order not to make the same mistake in the future.

By slowing down we can get “in tune” with ourselves, long enough to recognize our faulty habits and thought patterns. We can then start navigating towards another way of doing things. Then, by setting goals, we will gain the power to tap into the vast reserve of power we all have within us. These goals must be more than just the mundane day-to-day drudgeries like paying the bills or other basic necessities or issues. We have to set goals that will force us to strive beyond our limits. The goals have to inspire a sense of excitement. Just thinking of the possibility of achieving them should inspire us to want to work toward achieving them. We will be driven to overcome fear and acquire the courage to go beyond our normal limits in life.

When I first entered university back in 1992 it was very exciting to me. After working on the line for 15 years at Chrysler’s, being in university seemed like a dream come true. I never realized how I stopped dreaming of achieving life-long goals. I had stopped challenging myself. The university was a God-send experience because it became a huge challenge for me. With this experience came a realization about all the untruths I held onto in my life. The surprising thing is that they were not the truth, but by hanging on to them, I had actually created an atmosphere of self-imposed misery. Another truth was that I didn’t like myself prior to taking on the new challenge. Why did I always quit everything I tried to accomplish in life? I had truly given up on myself. Deep down I’ve never come to grips with my own feelings associated with giving up on myself. In a lot of cases people cannot comprehend their extreme feelings of low self-worth on their own. I had tried going back to school in the past but I always quit. The attempt was different this time. I had support from other people and I was seeing a trained professional counselor who was guiding me and holding me accountable for my actions at the university. I perceived everything I did at the university as a challenge. Studying for an exam, writing the exam, and then getting the results from the exam, it was all a cycle I really got used to. This was actually goal-setting and feedback, two powerful tools that help us grow. In addition, I was reporting to my counselor on a regular basis. Many times I felt like quitting. Luckily, I received encouragement and strength from my counselor to keep going. He always had the utmost faith in my abilities, a lot more than I had in myself, back then. In the beginning going back to university was an impossible dream. In order for me to find the inspiration and determination, I had to suspend my old belief system, particularly concerning my ability to ultimately accomplish the goal—graduation. I had to take a chance and rely on others’ confidence in me for support.

Relying on others for support is a basic human need. We are social beings and we learn and grow in and through others. As children we had this ability, however, we somehow lose it as we grow older. As it happened, I was forced to rely on others for support. Once I regained this ability I was back on track with my life. This was an invaluable tool that enabled me to reach my dreams in life.

My first goal was met when I received my Bachelor’s degree in 2000. Then my counselor wanted me to go for my Master’s degree. I had a lot of trust in him, so I decided to take his advice. I went to Wayne State University and in 2002 received my Master’s degree in Social Work. Today I run my own private practice as a social worker and now I offer the same support I received from others to my clients, in order to guide them in achieving their dreams as well. Evaluate and re-evaluate yourself. The answers will come. When you start looking, you inadvertently tap into an ancient wisdom that we all possess. Hard work, perseverance and never giving up will bring you to your desired goal. If I can do it so can you!






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Pain the Great Motivator

Intense pain can be a real motivating factor in the change process. Extreme emotional distress can force us from being unsure if we want to do the work involved in order to change .or am I willing to do whatever it takes, in order to turn my life around. Reaching a pain threshold is the real motivator for change. This means that pain is so intense that you know you have no other choice but to change. The option to stay the way you are is less strong than wanting to change. For example, I remember the last time I relapsed, I fell off the wagon and as a result a major incident happened. Consequently, the pain and humiliation of this incident motivated me by eliminating the choice to ever go back to living like my, previous alcoholic lifestyle. This is the greatest pain. This type of pain comes from the inside. Knowing that I failed to live up to my own standards is the greatest pain.


In the process I made an important association. The pain in making the change outweighed the pain of not changing. Consequently, the pain turned into a driving force. It forced me to conform and surrender to my way of doing things. It created such a state of urgency, which was so intense that it compelled me to follow through with action. Consequently, I had no choice but to confront my fears and insecurity associated with changing my lifestyle.

The surrendering made me realize that the only option was to move ahead in life. My old lifestyle had to end. Deep down I knew the only option for me at this point in time was to change. There might not be another opportunity given to me. The stage was set; I became more active in seeking counseling. I had stepped out into the unknown. I started socializing more, even though it was extremely hard for me to do this without the aid of alcohol or drugs. How could I possibly stay sober long term if I had so much fear with socializing? I started taking the action to turn my life around even though it took a lot of hard work and perseverance. The saying from Nike “Just Do it” became the story of my life.

Eventually I started helping troubled youth, worked on my relationships with my loved one’s, went back to university and eventually I met my wife. We eventually married and now I’m retired from Chryslers and am currently, running my own private practice. The life I lead today is like a dream come true. Out of all the pain and humiliation emerged a different person with a much healthier lifestyle. This last relapse happened over 26 years ago the change was a result of a huge wake up call which resulted in intense pain.

It’s the pain that I felt then the humiliation and disgrace that forced me to not want to go back into my addiction. I had to rebuild myself. My last relapse was a catalyst and a motivator to change. I never forgot the negative feelings I felt after that relapse. When you’re going through that kind of devastation it’s hard to believe that anything good can come out of it at the time. However, when one door closes I learned that a new and better door opens in time. There is always something good that comes out of pain and hurt if we persevere and work through it. We have to hurt enough to be ready to change your life and become healthy and happy. If we can re direct and channel the energy in pain, it can be used as an extremely powerful force to create change in our life.





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Re-Directing Our Hard Work

The process of change can be very difficult, especially if your past has been littered with failures and negative consequences, and even successful people can have adjustment problems, if they have lost their ability to cope with present-day stressors. Many of them, for instance Elvis Presley, Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin, to name a few, have met an early demise.  Successful or not, they have in common the mistaken belief that someday, somehow, something will happen and then they’ll be happy.  This is sheer fantasy. We must come to realize and accept that the only way to change is to change ourselves.  Not facing up to the trials and tribulations in life by masking our pain and emotions with drugs, alcohol, or sex, is all self- destructive behavior. Relying on alcohol, drugs, food, sex, material possessions or any other external gratification will only bring pain and suffering to us and all our loved ones. All of our hard work directed at obtaining a better life is fruitless if we don’t re-direct our energy.  A lot of people end up feeling depressed, angry and simply just give up.  In the end they conclude that hard work doesn’t pay.  This creates and feeds into the self-destructive abyss of addiction. People know how to work hard, but they have to learn to re-direct their energy towards allowing other people into their lives, to learning to practice humility, patience, perseverance, and determination. This type of hard work will pay off in huge dividends in time, in the form of improved self-worth, increased closeness with loved ones and an abundance of true freedom and success in their lives. 

Working on positive human attributes will empower me to change into the person I was always meant to be. In addition, I will eventually discover what makes me truly happy and how to transform myself into a person who honestly feels good from the inside out, not the from the outside in.   We have to stop relying on our environment to provide relief from pain and frustration and start taking control of our own actions and reactions in order to achieve the quality of life and happiness we all deserve.  Blaming others, wallowing in self-pity and playing the role of the victim are behaviours that eventually lead to  addiction. Taking ownership for our actions and pointing the finger at ourselves is the exact opposite to the thinking processes of an addict.  The result is a major shift in thinking. 

.   Major changes in my own life have not come easily.  From a lifestyle of total reliance on drugs and alcohol for happiness and fulfillment, today my days are spent being there for others, and being accountable to someone else for my actions,….a very dramatic reversal.  However, it has been the most rewarding change I have ever made in my life.  Comments are welcome. 

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The Adverse Effects of Addiction

Expecting people to act according to how I perceive my own intentions towards others and not by what I’m actually doing can cause real devastating problems. The confounders with a person like this are fantasy, blindness and denial which cause an absolute failure in communication with others, especially their loved ones. Here is an extreme example, a person comes home one night drunk and decides to make a fire in the fireplace. In their drunken stupor the person  forget's  to close the fireplace screen and wakes up to a house full of smoke. Immediately he runs to his children’s rooms in order to get them to safety. To his astonishment they are not there. He then goes to his wife’s bedroom to warn her. However, again he finds her not in her bedroom either. He then goes outside to find his family all safely standing in front of the house. He is really puzzled as to why nobody in his family warned him or was concerned that he was still in a house full of smoke. This person never realized the deep seated hatred his family had toward him. Secretly they wished he was dead. They all thought that they would be better off without him. The real truth however, is this person truly did love his family, however, he was so locked into himself he could never truly see what was going on in his life. Other examples are the family just dreads the sight of a parent’s car in the driveway. The sight of the car can instill fear in a child or spouse. Honestly, in a lot of cases these people had the best of intentions however, they always viewed others as the problem, and consequently, they could never see their part in any situation. However, this can be the wake up call.


The disease of addiction actually stunts and retards their maturity level. The person in this example clearly does not have the maturity and has a lot of blindness about being a husband or a father. As an addict or alcoholic the disease progresses, which causes the person to regress to earlier stages of life. They regress from acting like an adolescent, to a child then an infant. However, in order to reverse this regression it is not just abstaining from alcohol or drugs that will bring us back to adulthood.

Typically a person’s maturity level stays frozen to the age a person first started using drugs or alcohol. When a person decides to get help and go into recovery program they realize that they stopped growing and maturing. The clear realization that they need others to help them make more responsible decision is clear to them. The stage for maturing and being responsible is being set.
The re-gaining and matching our level of maturity, with our chronological age is directly understood in the terms of this person, has a disease and is something a person can grow out of, if they treat themselves for the addiction. This is done by the person asking for help regarding their issues, with close loved one’s and by setting clear limits and boundaries, which are set by a treatment program or a trained professional.
















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Maritial Problems and Our Wedding Vows

Marital Problems and Our Wedding Vows

The 50% divorce rate that currently exists amongst married people is quite alarming to me.  Do people really know what they are committing to?  In many instances people just don’t take there wedding vows seriously.  When we commit to marriage we are supposed to embrace the experience of life together.  Marriage is a sacred agreement to love and support each other to the best of our ability and to use the relationship as a means for dismantling and healing our individual barriers to love.  Close relationships like marriage actually force us to confront our own defects in order to truly meet someone else’s needs.  In other words we constantly have to be open to how our partner perceives us in order to truly respond to their needs.  It is only through working out our shared conflicts and pain that we truly learn what love is all about. The arguments and conflicts pale in comparison to the true love and compassion that result from successfully working out conflicts in life.    

Not only does marriage take patience and understanding, it takes hard work.  Each person must be completely honest and willing to open up their private world to the other. A couple always has to strive for open, honest communication.  Open, honest communication is essential in order to prevent withdrawal of intimacy, loss of hope, and marital dissolution.  It is equally important to have good people to confide in outside of the marriage because this prevents us from going through hurt and resentments alone.  Most importantly, having confidants helps to hold us accountable for our actions in the marriage.  This is essential to a couple because it enables us to forgive and come back together again. In this we way learn and grow despite our shared pain and resentment.

Marriage often requires a willingness to be wrong, even though the ego may insist you’re right, but think rationally. Would you rather be right, or would you rather be loved?  In the beginning we have to take the risk of bruising our ego in favor of surrendering to the greater good of the relationship.  Taking appropriate action and choosing the right road in order to give life to the marriage, should be the number one priority. 

.   The most important ingredient in relationships is forgiveness. In order to acquire the ability to repeatedly begin anew, and to evaluate and re-evaluate our part in any conflict, it is necessary to practice and perfect the act of forgiving the other as well as ourselves.  Recognizing and respecting the uniqueness of our chosen partner is critical.  We can appreciate the fact that the other person’s strengths are our weaknesses and vice-versa. The sheer pain and frustration from conflicts that arise in marriage can serve as the perfect motivator to turn inward for the answers that lie within each and every one of us.  It can be a real opportunity for personal growth for some people but can be a recipe for disaster for others. 

The most critical ingredient in marriage is to have the humility and desire to work out conflicts in this sacred relationship, in order to nourish the love and respect that both people need and deserve.     

     

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Happy Halloween From My Family

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Honesty Versus Dishonesty

Honesty is being sincere, truthful, trustworthy, honorable, fair genuine and loyal, along with the absence of lying, cheating, or theft. The truth shall set you free. This statement is so true. Honesty has many valuable attributes. On a personal note honesty has taught me to be honest with my feelings, as well as how to deal with my feelings in the moment. Consequently, honesty taught me to be aware of the consequences to my actions. In addition, being honest has prevented me from bottling up my emotions and ultimately exploding on innocent people. However, truthfulness also taught me not to trust everyone in my life. People can use your honesty against you in order to manipulate, hurt you and use you for there benefit. In this article I would like to discuss some of the reasons we can’t trust everyone and perhaps we can learn some tips at how to prevent and understand dishonesty in another light. I studied anti social personality disorder in university and I do have some regrets studying this, since now I tend to look at politicians and other leaders in a more cynical way. The truth is a very valuable asset to have; however, we also need to be cautious as to who we are trusting and talking to.

Anti Social Personality Disorder

One of the reasons some people can’t be trusted is they have a personality disorder the main one’s to watch our for are antisocial personality disorder along with schizoid, histrionic, and narcissistic personality disorders. They are all classified as having a very little empathy for others or actually lack a conscious. I would like to talk about Anti Social Personality Disorder in this blog.

In my clinical experience these clients with anti social personality disorder, are masking symptoms of intense pain since in most cases they are unable to foster any real meaningful relationships with people. This is really minimizing how traumatizing it can be to come into contact with one of these people with this personality disorder. Their personal history is always littered with a trail of people who have been manipulated and betrayed. In a surprising sense, these people frequently see their own problems as arising from flaws in other people as opposed to their own inadequacies. These people are highly superficial and lack the ability to have intimacy with another human being. They can put on a show, however when someone truly gets to know them they realize that they cannot produce what they trying to portray to someone. It’s just pure manipulating. They are trying to get something from you and are only leading you on until they get it. When you counsel people like this you catch glimmers of a world in which the feelings of other people are of little worth to the person. Underneath, the manipulation there is intense pain since these people are unable to be close to their own family or friends.

They even lack empathy towards their own close family members, how could they with the absence of a conscious. Unfortunately, they can come across as very charming; it’s their relationship with their close family members that tell the truth as to who they really are. There close family members usually want nothing to do with them. One more thing to remember a person can have two disorders at once. For example, a person can be an addict and still have this personality disorder.

Honesty has a place in the world however; being beware of these people with this disorder, is important. Think about the white collar crime in the world or the 50% divorce rate. This personality disorder definitely plays a roll in these statistics and all the corporate scandals. Relationships with people should be built up over time in order to build trust and give us time to see the truth about the person. These people with this disorder can be in white collar jobs since corporations intentionally seek them out as managers or executives. They will do anything to get ahead and have no conscious about what they do to others or who gets hurt in the process. They are the perfect people for these corporations. Corporations are looking for yes men and have little time for ethics. This disorder is in sharp contrast to being honest. Honesty absolutely has many great attributes.

Perhaps one question I could answer is why this personality disorder would be so prevalent in our society and why it is so wide spread. The answer is lies in our understanding of capitalism and what it is all about. The rich get rich, they have power and control over others. They get this power and prestige off the back of other people’s hard labor. People that have no morals and have little regard for people in general, end up moving into positions of authority in our society. Most honest people don’t stand a chance when they are dealing with people with this personality disorder. However as a counselor and a person who is in recovery there is a deeper level to look. For example even if addiction is hereditary we can still learn coping mechanisms in order to deal with our defects of character. The same goes for anti social personality disorder we can learn to cope with this disorder if we are open to learning. In both of these examples if the person can allow themselves to be held accountable for their actions chances are they will not go to the extreme and devastate other people. There is hope for everyone. There are some exceptional Politian’s and other leaders that are genuinely honest and truly are looking out for our best interest. Knowing who they are can be hard to identify, this is the real problem. Remember, the reason some people don’t get the help they need is they can’t cope with deep seated pain. Consequently, if they go untreated the pain makes them act like wounded animals. Since they can’t make it with other people they have to have prestige, power, and wealth to compensate for their shortfalls with their loved ones.

In conclusion, the only way to truly see things for what they are is to constantly evaluate and reevaluate ourselves in order to see people for who they are and what they are. What are people’s actions telling us, who do these people hang around with, what type of decisions do they make. These are just a few suggestions. However, don’t give up on being an honest person. I truly believe that having morals and standards to live by will be an asset in your life. If we look at ourselves we become stronger and more resilient in time. We keep empowering ourselves and eventually we are standing up to people who need to be stood up to. There are wolves that wear sheep skins out there, beware my friends.

Don’t be afraid to be your self. The truth shall set you fre


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Making Decisions Based on Our Instincts

Believing we have a sense of purpose in life is the foundation of developing our instincts and making decisions in the moment.  Most importantly, the thing to remember In order for us to trust our instincts and make decisions in the moment is we can’t be in turmoil and confusion, or have unresolved issues that mask pain.    There can be a lot of work to do on ourselves before we get to the point of making decisions based on our instincts.    In essence, we have to be disciplined to not be focused on the past or the future.    Neither can we rehearse what we are going to do or say.   Our minds have to be calm and relaxed.  There is a time and a place to analyze things and a time and a place to rely on our basic instincts.  In order to make decisions based on our basic instincts we have to trust and believe in ourselves. 

Developing our instinctual decision making process and just being present in the moment is an experience we feel, it cannot be experienced from an analytical frame of mind.  Analyzing makes it impossible to experience making decisions based on our gut feeling or getting to a place of feeling and compassion in order to make an instinctual decision.   The saying from Nike “just does it “is really appropriate saying to remember when trying to respond and talk from the heart.   In order to allow ourselves to just feel we cannot rehearse what we are going to say, nor can we worry what other people’s response is going to be.   This is also another way for our warmth and inner personality to shine through.      

Making decisions based on our instincts is very effective when perhaps we don’t know the answer. We can get so used to having lists and being prepared for things however, we lose sight of acting in the moment and being spontaneous.  This kind of logic is responsible for us being in a speeded up frame of mind and we end up making the wrong decision since we are stressed out and out of tune with ourselves.  When we work on making spontaneous decisions, in time we learn that there is an intelligent flow under the surface that we have to re-connect with.  We discover that the opposite is true; we think more clearly and are more happy and productive in the moment.  The harder we work on letting go of our analytical thinking, the more room we have for being spontaneous and experiencing our basic instincts.  The work on staying in the moment actually produces another more intelligent way to make decisions.  .    

The researchers -- led by UCL psychologist Dr. Li Zhao ping -- recruited 10 volunteers for their study. The participants were shown a computer screen with more than 650 identical symbols -- including one upside-down version of the symbol -- and asked to identify on which side of the screen the inverted symbol appeared. Li and colleagues found that when the participants were given a fraction of a second to look at the screen, they gave the correct answer 95 percent of the time. However, when the subjects were given longer than a second to examine the screen, they were only 70 percent accurate.  

According to Richard Carlson the author who wrote the book Slowing Down to the Speed of Life, making decisions based on staying in the moment has two basic advantages, the first one is it allows us to slow down to the moment and attend to what is happening in the here and now.  This allows us to enjoy our lives no matter what.  The second advantage is it puts our most intelligent thinking to work on issues that we have no immediate answer for.  Like I said earlier in this article, the only way to experience this is to actually work on these issues.  In time we internalize and make decisions in the moment automatically.  This is a result of consciously working on this first.  It becomes automatic in time.   Comments made to this article on this blog are confidential.        

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