Embracing Dysfunctional Family Values, Part 2

The whole culture of the family is supposed to be spending quality of time, warmth and affection together as a family. Especially at holiday time when everyone wishes for a loving and supportive relationships with there family members.  This can be a real fascade in some families.  In reality the pain of letting go of this fantasy and the acknowledgement of what is actually going on in a dysfunctional family can be quite intense.

In highly dysfunctional families a common characteristic is the need to put on a external show, while family members have to deny what is actually going on within their family. In other words children in these dysfunctional families have to deny what they see, hear and feel. However, if a family member tries to go against the norms of the family there are sanctions or outright punishment that keeps them quiet. The child has to pretend they are in a loving family. Therefore any thought or awareness that a child is not loved; in there family becomes a product of the child’s imagination.

If a child feels there is a problem in the family they are made to think that they are the problem. Consequently, the denial in the family causes the person to internalize that if there is a conflict in the family, they are wrong or bad. To matters even worst, they are not allowed to express negative feelings about there family. Therefore, children learn not to cry or acknowledge pain because they will experience a punishment. In this whole process a child is taught to bottle up their emotions and to internalize shame and guilt.

Later on in life the same children that were previously abused are now embracing these same aspects of their abuse, by teaching the same dysfunctional family values to there children. Consequently, the child ends up internalizing self hatred, and has poor sense of self. These dysfunctional beliefs become the core of the person’s belief system. The results can be disastrous, for example, a woman who was abused by her father and who blamed herself for this found herself in a relationship with an abusive man. The real attraction to this man was actually an attempt to get this man to treat her well, which if successful, would alleviate her feelings of self blame and badness. Childhood is usually the shortest period in our life however, when we have been abused or traumatized it can have a disastrous effect on us, for the rest of our lives, unless we resolve it.




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