The most important thing in relationships is getting a fresh start a new beginning, perhaps falling in love again. In order to start over again, we need to start listening from a free flowing state of mind, not influenced by our belief system that judges and anticipates what to say next, or prejudges our partner. This type of listening allows us to be affected by the person’s feelings rather than their words. Listening and responding from the heart with compassion doesn’t allow us to be distracted by thoughts or memories that could be triggered by the conversation. The opposite of compassionate is analyzing our partner. Typically people analyze and blame to get their way. When couples communicate this way for any length of time we unknowing create a destructive cycle. The argument starts and each person almost knows what the other person will say before they say it. This communication causes a lot of frustration, anger and resentment. In reality the communication is all about right and wrong and leaves no room for compassion or respect. Listening and responding in the moment means speaking from the heart. Not thinking and analyzing. This truly creates an experience to a deeper level of communicating and feeling towards yourself and your partner. Heart to heart communication allows another level of wisdom to come into light. The only way to experience this is by actually practicing heart to heart communication with your partner, over and over until you actually experience the change. Ultimately, building on respect and developing compassion, creates a foundation which could ultimately lead to falling in love with your partner again.
Communication amongst couples is commonly poor when a climate of fear and mistrust is perpetuated through criticism, placating, blame, and scapegoating. In these circumstances the communication can become highly reactive, attacking, and critical. This leads over time to withdrawal, loss of hope, and marital dissolution. My main approach to counselling couples is to help improve communication and identify issues and resolve problems that hinder open honest communication.
Sometimes simply changing the form of communication from "you" to "I" messages, couples can drastically improve their communication. Couples who are used to blaming, frequently begin messages with or include the word you in their messages. The word you is an accusation and can put the receiver on the defensive. To counter attack, the receiver typically responds by also blaming in return. Beginning sentences with "I" forces the sender to not only send a clearer message but also to disclose something of his or her own thoughts and feelings. The importance of this for counselling couples is knowing that the emotional health of children is profoundly affected by the emotional relationship between the parents.
